Something from Nothing

In the studio, I make something from nothing.  I am not afraid. I honestly do not care whether or not I have an idea or a plan, though sometimes I do.  Do I  tell myself "Why start if you don't have a clue about what is going to happen"  "What if I start and it doesn't work out?'  "I should be doing something else more productive"...No..I just begin.

I pick up a brush.  I choose the color I am most attracted to.  Do I ask "Is this the right color to pick?"  "Are you sure this is going to work out?'  "I probably should use blue instead.."  NO.  I just let myself  be drawn to what attracts me.  And  I start to work.

I glue things down.  I rearrange.  I turn the palate in different directions.  My hand moves the brush.  I add. I subtract.  I use my other hand.  As I work, do I say "  You don't have a plan so it's not going to work , especially like other people who have everything already planned out..""  You aren't doing it right.  "" You should have a real job"  "What if this ends up a disaster?"..No,  I just keep working.

And then at some point... minutes, hours,  days..I am finished.  The painting is complete.  I back up then move closer sometimes, or make an adjustment here or there.  The painting is done.  I am finished.  I am complete.  Then I basque in the completeness.  I feel good.  I honestly do.  I have made something, I have participated in the creative process fully, I made something...something from nothing and it is truly amazing. Do I, after finishing a work, wonder "Oh, this was a waste of time...". "Who do you think you are to even try to make something personal or or original or artistic in any way?"  " I can't let anybody see this because its either too personal or too weird or too immature or too anything ?" No, I basque in the completeness, however short or long the moment may last. I feel good.

Then why???  Why then, if I am such a confident painter,  do I spend so much of my time in general wondering just how everything is going to work out?  Why do I have  self doubt and fear about the choices I have made?  Is a life "following your passion" over-rated, I wonder?  Should I have chosen nursing or accounting,  more "stable" occupations ? (A resounding NO)  If I can trust to process of painting why can't I trust the process of life itself?

These moments of doubt must be necessary to put me back on track, to get down to basics and to be honest with myself.  This is the path I have chosen, and like all paths it comes with hardships and challenges.  And I know for sure that the source of the creative urge that drives me in the studio is the same Source that animates us all, with all things all the time.  We are cared for.   

Releasing Resistance

Comments

[Mary Anne]

I absolutely love this writing. I "just begin" as well. This emanates so much with me. Thank you so much for writing it.

Best,